Conundrum

The area I live in isn't great for runners. I don't know why England is so unaccommodating for so many things; running and cycling included. 

My neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere connected to the outside gates of a large Royal Air Force base. To get anywhere outside of my immediate neighborhood you have to go out on the tiniest roads. They barely accommodate cars & lorries, there is absolutely no room for runners and cyclists.

So I've had trouble trying to map out running routes. My mileage hasn't been too high so since I've been here I have either run on a treadmill or, since I'm trying to improve my speed, on the track. It's been fine up until now, but once I get over a recent health scare I'll be upping my mileage & I'm disappointed at how few options I have. 

I can either run on base, but I'm not allowed to run with headphones for safety reasons (something I'm not willing to give up for long distances.) Or I can risk my life trying to run the winding country roads, which honestly I'm scared out of my mind to do (especially if I'm pushing Layla in a jogging stroller!) Or I can just run a million laps around the track (no thanks.)

I've also recently learned that there are footpaths that go between the towns, but I'm a bit worried about running them alone, plus I don't think they will work well with a jogging stroller.

Ugh. I don't know what I'm going to do when I ever need to run anything over 3 miles. I'm going to have nowhere to run.

Finding Motivation

It's been a while since I've blogged about running.
Honestly, there hasn't been much to blog about.

I don't like making excuses, but that is exactly what I've been doing.
I've basically been living in a state of denial.
For some reason, I had it in my brain that I really didn't need to run while in the process of moving. My last move (from Nebraska to California fall of 2010) I didn't run during the entire 3 weeks of the stressful move. It was a short time off, and I was too stressed about a near-cross country road trip alone with a toddler during the winter. So when I was settled in California, I picked up right where I left off. I'm not going to lie & say I wasn't sore, but it was just the soreness of waking up tired muscles.

So for some reason I thought my "return" to running after this move would be just as easy. I use the term "return" loosely. I ran off and on during the move, but I was very unmotivated & did not run on the level I was used to or the level I should have been running at. Especially if I want to run a half marathon in the spring. Plus, this move took a lot longer than the last one. 5 months is a long time to not run regularly.

I am now settled in the house & have no excuse to not be running.
& yet, I am finding excuses.

My main excuse is a simple one;
I lack the motivation to get up & run.
You'd think I'd want to rebuild the muscle mass I've lost.
You'd think I'd want to lose the weight I've gained in the past half year.
& I do...I just don't want to do the work.
I've just been living in a state of denial & misery.

So this past week I've had a heart-to-heart with myself. No more pity parties. No more excuses.
I'm just going to make the time & force myself out the door.
Motivation will surely turn up eventually, right?

Today I went for my first real run.
I'd been pumping myself up for it all week.
& getting myself ready for the shock that would be a timed run outside. No treadmill to soften the blow, no easy, watch-less jog about the neighbourhood.
A track workout.
With a watch.

Of course I happened to chose the coldest day we've had this week, and of course the freezing rain picked up on my way to the track, but I got out there, I got it done, and I had motivation. I was actually looking forward to running. Whoa! Where did that come from?

& I wasn't too shocked with my timing.
It was actually better than I expected, but I'm still a long ways from where I need to be.
Hopefully this newfound motivation sticks around. I need to rebuild what I once had & get rid of this extra weight I've been carrying around. I don't just want it, I need it.
It really helps that I have found such an amazing running community on twitter, everyone is full of encouraging words.

x Jenna

P.S. I highly recommend Under Armour charged cotton gear. Even in the cold I was very warm, and although it's not 100% water proof, it helped tremendously in keeping me dry. It poured during my entire track workout as well as the jog to the track & back to the house.

Running

This is not a running blog. Most of my friends on twitter are runners & they have running blogs. I've actually tried to make running blogs, but it never seems to amount to anything. I've deleted two.

I do consider myself a runner, but I'm not the same as them. In fact, I think after many of them read this (if they do read it at all) they will not consider me a "real" runner any more. You see, I don't race. The only races I've participated in were 5 & 10ks. I'd like to run half marathons as well as full marathons, but Doubt has been my running partner all these years. Doubt is a cruel, cruel bitch. Even after completing many double-digit mile runs, Doubt has led me to believe that even though I have actually been able to run 13.1 miles on my own, I will choke on race day. It's not the miles that intimidate me, it's the race.

I have actually considered myself a runner for quite some time. In high school I took it up to lose weight. I actually got pretty good, kept running through college, got lazy, decided to join the Air Force, started running more to get in shape for basic, ran throughout my Air Force career, and the stopped when I got out. I guess all that time being forced to wake up at ungodly hours to run distances I didn't want to run with people I didn't want to run with made me want to rebel. Forget running. It was only after I had my daughter & put on a few pounds did I start running again. Though, I just ran for fitness. Not for speed, nor endurance (even if my endurance is quite high, it's not something I really ever focused on.)

Another reason I've kept myself from racing, I lack a certain quality that I see in all of my runner friends; I am not a competitive person. Even when I played softball in high school, I enjoyed the game. Yes, I wanted to win, but mostly I just wanted to have fun. I wanted to get dirty, get a work out, and have fun playing the sport I loved with my friends. I love soccer, but the aggressive nature of the game kept me from joining a proper league & opting for friendly pick up games.

This may come as a shock to any of you who follow my twitter feed during the NHL play offs! I get bloodthirsty, curse like a sailor, & become quite angry when my favourite team loses. Though some may have noticed, Chris H. might agree, that once the initial sadness of seeing my team leave the ice has faded I am the first to offer words of congratulations to fans of the team who has beat mine. I forget the anguish of losing & remember fondly all of the great moments of the playoffs. I'm just too nice to hold a grudge over something like that. I am a fun person, and want to focus on the happy moments -  which is why I lack that bloodlust & competitive spirit.

Now I have sent myself off track. Get me started talking about hockey, and that's what happens. Though, I have been side tracked far worse & can go on talking about hockey for far longer than you are probably willing to read!

Focus.
Running.
Okay.

So I'm setting goals for myself. I am lacing up my Asics & leaving my running partner, Doubt, behind to eat my dust. I know she will catch up at times, and rear her ugly head. I'll hear her voice in my head whispering to the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement; "you can't do it...you can't do it...you can't do it" she will tell me. I'm not stupid, I know this will happen, but I am preparing myself. I'm preparing myself to out run her. I'm preparing myself to give this everything I have. I am preparing myself to accomplish & exceed my goals.

I'm going to enter a few races. Before the year 2012 is over I will have completed a half marathon & a full marathon. The full scares me, but with as much as I run, I know that I can achieve this goal. Especially since I will actually be following a training plan & doing speed work instead of just going out & logging my miles aimlessly, as I normally do.

I'd like to thank all of you who have inspired me to take this step in improving my running & getting over my race-day fear. Every runner that I follow on twitter inspires me daily, and there are maybe 10 or 15 of you whom I greatly admire for not just their running skills (if you're reading this, I think you all will probably know who you are.) I've made no secret of how awesome I think you are. One of you is angry. One of you talks about unicorns quite a bit. One of you has no idea how much I respect & admire you. One of you busted out a killer PR recently. One of you runs with pigtails. One of you is a punk. One of you ran a few miles before meeting another one of you at the alter (a story that has awed & affected me.) One of you runs trails.

Thank you all for giving me the encouragement & for influencing me so deeply without realizing what you were even doing.

So in the end, what I'm revealing to you all is that I lack self-confidence, and this blog post is my vow to myself that I will become a more self-assured person & develop the courage to accomplish the goals I am setting for myself.

Thank you for the support.

x Jen


P.S. From this moment forward: